umm can I offer a little.... probably not
We give and get advice all the time but this rambling thought process is about the more earnest type of advice we receive. So I offer some observations about types of advice and the people who offer it.Country Music Song Advice
The person offering CMSA is not content to stay on the particular topic of advice but rather needs to touch on every area of life that they see is in need of fix'n. I remember years ago a country song performed by David Allen Coe that was purported to be the perfect country music song. The last verse went like this.
Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.
Apparently up to this verse the song hadn't said anything about, momma, gettin drunk, prison, rain, trains or pickup trucks so the writer fixed it. Country Music Song Advice will cover every area of your forsaken life just to make sure you realize how pitiful you are.
MOTTO - > No Wound Left Unsalted
Runway Advice
Runway advice is just like the prayer of the ol' Baptist minister who has launched from the close of his sermon to the benedictional prayer. Little kids everywhere start squirming when the benedictional prayer starts because their bottoms which have been glued to the rock hard solid oak pew sense freedom. Unfortunately the prayer (like the advice that shares its name) can be compared to a plane circling the airport. You hear the preachers voice get lower and slower and words of completion are coming out of his mouth. Then suddenly he's off again....... it was only a touch and go landing. A practice. Audible groans are heard from the teens old enough to know what's happening. So to runway advice always takes 3-4 times as long as it should.
MOTTO -> Land the prayer!!
Meandering Advice
Now some of you are asking why I didn't start with this one. I dunno, I didn't. pffftthhhht.
Meandering Advice is advice that never stays put long enough to complete a thought. No point is ever made. It's like the classic mouse in the maze. It pokes it's nose in every cranny, like butter melting on a hot English Muffin. It covers every path, never staying in one place long enough to listen and then offer anything but the most basic common sense answer. This is Jerry Springer "Final Thought" advice, "can't we just get along?"
MOTTO -> Advice to get along with....
V2 Rocket Advice
This is called V2 Rocket Advice because of the noise the V2 rocket made. A monotonous noise, never changing in pitch, only volume. It drones on and on. Typically no physical movement is discernible by the advice provider except for the movement of the lips. Hypnotic movement that causes the listener to lose all focus on what is being said and they only know that the lips are still moving. Usually the same thought is repeated ad naseum but the listener never notices because it is all about the lips and the droning voice.
MOTTO -> You are getting sleepy
I'm sure there are other advice columns. Like Miss-Directed Advice, "Honey does this black dress look good on me? "Well it makes you look thinner" or Sarcastic Advice, "What does this switch do?, "Push it and find out" etc..
-ba
NOTE: I must credit the idea for this blog and some help to two people. It was born out of an actual advice session I was having (ok giving) with a friend from my former state of residence. Peter (his real name) offered the kernel of an idea when he said these two words "meandering advice". Apparently what I was offering him at the time and I thought this has potential. The second person I have to thank is my first wife Libby (her real name) as she helped me flesh out some of the details of subsequent advice columns.
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